So this might not be the best idea ever but I have some things that I need to get off of my chest. I have been filled recently with this incredible sense of foreboding, like something horrible is always on the horizon, just a little bit out of my reach. I have not moved past constantly being on the verge of tears and having particular subjects that I cannot even think about without wanting to curl up into a ball and just cry. I haven't moved out of the dip in the chart and I am so angry with myself because I can't just make myself be better, more social. I sit and agonize over every encounter I have with anyone, thinking of ways I could have phrased certain phrases better, berating myself in my head for anything that I didn't understand, guilting myself of either talking too much or not enough. It has been awhile since I have felt empowered, like I am a person worth knowing, worth meeting or worth moving past the initial superficial meeting people phase. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this, probably because I am not really forcing myself into situations where I am uncomfortable.
I am too old for this sadness bullshit. I have no real reason to be so worried and anxious all the time and so I don't know what I need to do to make the pit in my stomach go away. I am terrified of everything and it is only getting worse as time goes by.
I don't know what to do.
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You are worth knowing and you have a lot to say. I think you are caught in transitions that have nothing to do with your time in the Netherlands and it is just spilling over.
I still think getting outdoors and forcing yourself to do something active, with or without other people will help, even if it rains.
And you can always just enjoy the scenery and art museums and not interact with other folks too much - travel some, read fun stuff and allow yourself to relax. In a sense this is like a vacation and you should just do the things you want to!!
Anyhow, opinions from mbk
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